Can my boyfriend change his behavior?
Your boyfriend does something that you find annoying or that you would like to see differently … For example, you would like him to make more time for you, or to see him more thoughtfully, or you would like to change your boyfriend’s clothing style.
Or maybe you just want him to stop doing something.
Anyway, you are not satisfied with your partner’s behavior and you want to change it.
You already asked him. You may even have been arguing with him.
He knows you find it annoying, but he doesn’t change. Your boyfriend does not want to change or cannot change his behavior.
But there is a solution. There are effective ways to ensure that he stops something or changes his attitude. You can change his behavior in the relationship and in this blog I give you 10 effective tips for that.
But first an important warning:
Think carefully before you try to change your boyfriend’s behavior
You can change some things, others cannot.
And if you can change things, that doesn’t mean that you have to want that. It is always good to think twice if you really want to change something.
Sometimes it can just be better to leave your partner. If your boyfriend treats you badly, hits you, cheats you all the time or makes very bad jokes every time …
(ok, the latter is not so bad, although it makes my boyfriends crazy)
… then it may be better to walk away.
“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”
– Albert Einstein
In addition, some things are just incredibly difficult to change. For example, if he is addicted or has major psychological problems, then he can only change this if he is really motivated.
In addition, you have things that women think they want to change. And that often doesn’t end well. A typical example is that women often think they want a man to share his emotions more often and to be more sensitive. Until they date a weak wimp that is upset about the assembly line.
It’s a common joke among men:
- A woman meets a man.
- She is constantly trying to change him.
- Then she leaves him because he “is no longer the man she fell for”.
It is therefore extremely important that you carefully consider whether you really want to change your boyfriend’s behavior.
That said … Let’s go to the 10 tips to change your boyfriend.
1. Change it with operant conditioning
This is by far the best way to change his behavior. Have you never heard of operant conditioning ? It does not matter.
Do you have a dog? Then you already know how it works.
After all, it is a very simple system: you give a reward for good behavior and a negative incentive for bad behavior. All mammals (and therefore also men) are extremely sensitive to this.
Do you, for example, want him to put away his junk more often? Then reward him extensively the next time he does it. Cook his favorite meal, or give him the best sex ever (yes, do the one thing that you don’t like and therefore hardly ever do).
You only have to do it a few times. You will see that he will always like tidying up.
2. Let him always think it’s his own idea
Men have mega large – but vulnerable – egos. So if you simply ask him if he wants to change his behavior or attitude, he will not do that quickly.
He finds it important to be his own boss. When he thinks he is under the slab or that the woman is “wearing the pants”, he becomes rebellious.
That’s why you want to make sure that he thinks it’s his own idea to change something.
For example, suppose he once cooked food for you. Then you can say: “I think it’s great that you have become so much more attentive and preferable lately.”
And even if it is not at all, if he has behaved the same in the last period, he will still think it is true. He would like to be associated with the compliment. So he starts to see himself as an attentive person, and behaves accordingly.
Bonus tip: Speak to your girlboyfriends how sweet and considerate he is when he’s around. Then he will do his best even harder.
3. He does not change with drama and quarrel
I know that women sometimes try this. Unfortunately I have been the victim often enough.
… And you are undoubtedly different.
But some women sometimes tend to try to solve things by getting angry, nagging or arguing.
For example, suppose you want your husband to vacuum a little more often. Getting angry with him makes no sense then. He may still pick up the vacuum cleaner to get rid of the whining, but you don’t see any effect in the long term.
Because when he starts vacuuming, negative emotions whirl through his body, making him only hate vacuuming. Even if he does it that one time, he will not do it on his own or like it afterwards.
Of course I get it when you get angry because he refuses to do anything again. But in the long term you achieve the opposite result with it.
Your boyfriend won’t change if you just get angry with him.
4. Why change your partner takes time
This is not a way to change your boyfriend, but it is very important that you understand this.
I often receive emails from women who have asked a man something and are surprised that he does not change overnight.
It can take months before he changes his behavior, clothing style or appearance.
Often he will not immediately understand what you expect from him. He will have to let it sink in and get used to it. And then he probably forgets a few more times, but in the end …
So accept that it is a process that takes time.
Don’t get upset if he forgets it in the beginning.
But consistently apply all tips to change your partner from this article.
5. Discuss it in the third person
Suppose he wants more initiative . Then of course you can just tell him this …
… But as you could read in the previous tips, men have a big ego and he can better think that it is his own idea.
So instead of saying it straight to him, you can also do the following:
I once had an ex who really never took the initiative to do something fun together. What a letdown, that was. Of those men who just sit on the couch and are passive.
Now you have let him know what you don’t like without addressing him and without harming his ego.
This indirect approach is particularly effective in the initial phase of the relationship.
6. Your boyfriend is more willing to change if you do not address him publicly
Shall I repeat the whole ego thing again, or have you got it?
Leave his ego intact.
If you address a man publicly about his behavior, he will never accept that. He feels belittle when he gets a “position.”
That is why, first, he will not accept what you say and, secondly, he will try to prevent him from losing sight.
What you achieve when you address him publicly about something
- He gets angry because you make fun of him (at least that’s how it feels for him);
- He almost always argues. Maybe in the form of a stupid remark that he hurls at your head, but perhaps also by ignoring you completely. Anyway: he will prove to the environment that you cannot control him.
And that will most likely have an effect on you: you will be angry with his reaction.
So you completely miss your goal with this tactic. And you get that conflict in the car on your way home for free.
And if you then later try to have him change his behavior, the chance that you will succeed is very small. If he has already said publicly that he is not changing his behavior, then he will not want to return to it. Research shows that people almost always want to be consistent .
7. Change your boyfriend’s behavior by playing on his ego
Imagine saying this:
“I think it’s so sexy when you’re doing odd jobs, it makes me feel like I have a strong man who takes care of me.”
If you think men are so stupid that they believe that, then …
… you are absolutely right. Men are really so stupid that they fall for it.
They are very sensitive to things like this. They all want the same thing.
Men want you to see these three qualities in them
Always link the things you want him to do more often with one or more of these characteristics. Convince him that a certain attitude, manner or behavior is attractive and the world is at your feet.
Try these variations:
You always look so cool when you put on that one shirt.
I don’t know why, but for some reason I always get horny when you’re cooking.
I always love it when I see the neighbor peeking at you when you wash the car, then I’m extra proud that you are mine.
Do you understand the trick a bit?
I regularly give this tip to female boyfriends. They never believe it works in advance, but once they have tried it …
This is a powerful mechanism, so use it carefully.
8. Use his jealousy to change it even faster
Here you actually reverse the previous tip: you use the same three traits, but to describe a different man.
You now respond to his jealousy and competitive urge. Because of course, every man wants to be your superman and the very best and most amazing man on earth.
So if you say you think it’s so cool that the neighbor goes to the gym every day …
But beware: don’t overdo this and don’t let him feel inferior about himself.
If you occasionally drop such a comment, it can do wonders for your partner’s willingness to change.
This also works very well if you are dealing with a man with fear of commitment .
9. Make sure your boyfriend knows exactly what you want them to change
A man remains a man.
And let me say this carefully: most men are somewhat awkward about things. Sometimes the best way to change your boyfriend’s behavior is simply to say that you want him to change something.
But do it like this:
- In a short story
- With short, simple sentences
Because if you tell your partner that you want him to become more attentive, he doesn’t understand you. What exactly do you mean by “becoming more attentive”? For your boyfriend this is not a concrete and clear assignment.
He can think of completely different things if you give such a general indication. Perhaps he thinks, “Yes, but I always carry on after going to the bathroom,” while you may want him to buy you a bunch of flowers now and then.
There are a few (major) mistakes that almost all women make
1. Think he knows what you mean. Men are simply not as socially useful as women. Too many relationships break because women expect that.
2. Finding that he should feel it. Auðvitað. And I would like a McDonalds in the back garden where I can get free chicken nuggets. But both things will never happen.
3. Want him to do something by himself. This too will never happen. Get over your pride and just ask your boyfriend if he wants to do something.
4. Think he understands you. I also coach men. The emails I get from women are literally seven times – no joke! – as long as that of men and then the question is often unclear.
So make sure you communicate with him in a clear and simple way. Give concrete and measurable assignments. Only in this way does he know what is expected of him.